Our story begins with a close-up of an alarm clock. It's one of those alarm clocks from the eighties where the numbers flip over. It says 4:59 am. Then, suddenly, it flips to 5:00. And Huey Lewis kicks on. It's the Power of Love.
Our protagonist and fantasy baseball fanatic, Andy, lets out a gnarly grunt. "Oh man, Huey Lewis? This is going to be the worst day of my life." That's foreshadowing.
Andy rolls out of bed, and walks into the kitchen. He has total bed-head and a pretty cool Soul Asylum t-shirt on. He sees that he has a message on the answering machine and hits the forward-pointing arrow button marked 'play'.
"Duuuuuuuude, its James Danger. Just calling to remind you to look into that Hanley Ramirez thing we talked about. I'm serious, Bro-berto Clemente, you should really look into that, it could help out your team a lot and Chris is totally ready to sell. Okay, man? Okay great, Catch ya on the flip, Scott Bro-sius."
Wow that's really cool of James Danger to do, Andy thought.
Andy then waddled over to his fridgerator and opened the door. Inside was a carton of milk. Oh man, milk, Andy thought to himself. I can't wait to drink this awesome milk. Andy reached in and grabbed the milk, he raised the carton to his lips. It was totally empty.
Fucking milk, this day is the worst, Andy thought. Then he crunched the carton up and angrily tossed it into the garbage can. But he missed, and just left it there on the kitchen floor. He did that a lot, actually.
Cut to Andy starting his car. It's winter time and it's the south side of Chicago, so he has to let it warm up a bit. Just then his phone rings.
"Duuuuuuuude!" It was James Danger again.
"Duuuuuuuude! I just want to remind you about Hanley again. Chris is ready to sell, bad. This could be HUGE, man."
"Yeah, I know, dude. As soon as I get to the office I'll take a look at it. I just don't know if I have the pieces to offer for him."
"Hey Bro-gan Morrison, take it from your League Champion, sometimes strange things happen."
Just then Andy slammed on the breaks. "Hey, James Danger, let me call you back."
There was something in the road, it was like, a bird or something. A crow maybe. It looked sort of mystical. Andy got out and fixed it's wing using some twine he had stashed in the trunk. Then the crow flew off.
When Andy got to work his boss was like, "Andy, why are you late again? Don't tell me it was because of your fantasy baseball obsession again! Wait, let me guess, you were at a Jorge Cantu convention? I mean it, I'll be watching you all day today. You are on your final warning." When he said that last sentence, Andy was staring at his gross teeth.
Ah man, my boss is such a d-bag, Andy thought. And what was that about a Jorge Cantu convention? I haven't had that dude on my team for like, a year.
A couple hours later James Danger called him again. "Dude, you need to move fast! Pat and Mike are making offers on Hanley!"
"Oh shoot, I totally forgot! My boss has been up my butt all day and I had to help repair this bird's wing. I improvised and used some twine stashed in the trunk." Andy ran to his computer to make an offer. He offered Clay Buchholz, Hak-Ju Lee, Ivan Nova and Brian Wilson for Hanley Ramirez. Chris said he liked the offer but he wanted JJ Hardy also. Andy said, that's cool, and went to add him to the deal. But when he refreshed the page he saw that someone else had already accepted a deal for Hanley that Chris made earlier! Starlin Castro and Devin Mesoraco for Hanley Ramirez!
Nooooooooooo! Andy thought.
Later that night as he was in bed, Andy was still so upset that he missed out on Hanley Ramirez. He just couldn't believe it. Devin Mesoraco? He thought to himself. He's not even the best catcher in the Cincinnati Reds system! I mean, heck, if Chris wanted a good catching prospect from the Cincinnati Reds farm system I could have given him Yasmani Grandal. Yasmani Grandal, now there's a catching prospect for you. If only I could do today all over again....
Andy rolled over and went to sleep. The camera then pans up toward the window, which Andy had left open for some reason. Then, there was an eerie wind that shook the trees. And a crow hopped on the ledge. It squawked and then flew away.
Then the camera pans back down to the alarm clock...
It's that same alarm clock from the eighties where the numbers flip over. It says 4:59 am. Then suddenly, it flips to 5:00. And Huey Lewis kicks on. It's the Power of Love. Again.
Andy lets out a gnarly grunt. "Oh man, Huey Lewis again? I could've swore I heard this yesterday."
Andy then rolls out of bed, and walks into the kitchen. He has total bed-head and a Soul Asylum t-shirt on, still. He really doesn't change his clothes that much. He sees he has a message on the answering machine and hits the button marked 'play'.
"Duuuuuuuude, its James Danger, just calling to remind you to look into that Hanley Ramirez thing we talked about..."
Oh man, James Danger is such a dick, Andy thought. Why would he leave a message just to rub it in?
Andy then opened the fridgerator door. Inside was a carton of milk. Wait a minute, he thought, I thought I threw that milk out yesterday. He looked over at the kitchen floor where he thought he had left the crunched up carton. There was nothing over there. Well, nothing except for some socks and a bunch of budweiser beer cans that also missed the garbage can. But there was definitely no milk carton there.
Cut to Andy in his car. His phone rings and it's James Danger.
"Duuuuuuuuuude! Why so mellow?"
"Aw man, I just can't seem to get this Hanley Ramirez thing out of my mind."
"Oh, funny you should mention Hanley Ramirez, man, because I was just calling to remind you that Chris is ready to sell on him, it could be HUGE for the Grainers."
"Yeah, ha-ha, real funny, man."
"Wait, huh? What are you--"
"Look man, I don't have time for this. I got to get to work on time or my boss is gonna freak."
When Andy showed up to work, his boss said, "Surprised you're not late today. I thought for sure there was a Jorge Cantu convention or something that would've kept you up all night."
What a complete and utter douchebag, Andy thought.
Then a few hours later James Danger called and said, "Dude, move fast! Pat and Mike are making offers on Hanley!"
"What? Why do you keep saying the same things like that? Like it's yesterday or something?"
"Huh?" said James Danger, "I've only said that for the first time today. This is the first time I'm saying any of these things."
"Wait-- hold on a minute, are you saying what I think you're saying?" Andy said. "What day is it?"
"Dude, what are you talking about?"
"Dude, who has Hanley Ramirez on their team right now?"
"What, Andy? Are you nuts? Why would you ask such a strange question. I mean, you know the answer to this already, so I really don't see the point in all of this, but since you asked I might as well tell you that it's CHRIS WHO STILL OWNS HANLEY RAMIREZ, but I don't see what you're getting at--"
"Holy crap, man, I gotta go!"
"Wha-- Where are you going, Andy?"
"I have to go to a bathroom and splash water on my face and look at my face in the mirror!"
This is what Andy was thinking about when he was staring himself in the mirror:
This is the craziest day. This is the craziest two days, I guess you would call it. But it's actually the same day, technically. Man, that is so weird to think about. Is it the craziest day or the craziest two days? Wait, Andy thought, it must've been that mystical bird that I saved yesterday....
Andy then ran back to his computer to google birds to see if they have powers to reverse time if you save them. While reading about birds he then read that birds are actually dinosaurs and that many dinosaurs had feathers, including his new favorite dinosaur, Sinornithosaurus. This is a picture of it:
Andy got so buried in looking at awesome-looking dinos that he joined the Jurassic Park forum. His username was Dinos4EVER. Then he even watched some reruns of Terra Nova that weren't even all that good. When suddenly he came-to and realized, shit, what time is it?
He ran and found his boss, and asked him, "What time is it?"
"Well, it's pretty late, Andy. If there was something you were supposed to do it's probably too late for that now."
Andy ran to his computer. His boss was right. It was too late. Chris had traded Hanley Ramirez for Starlin Castro and Devin Mesoraco. Again.
The next day Andy woke up at 4:57. He still couldn't believe he missed out on Hanley twice. What a total bummer, he thought, as he made his way into the kitchen and towards the fridge. As he passed the answering machine he noticed a flashing light blinking. Just like it was blinking yesterday and the day before.
Andy reached for the fridge door. When his hand reached the handle he paused and thought,
He opened the door and there was a carton of milk!
Just then it turned 5:00 am and the Power of Love kicked on....
Andy did a fist pump.